According to the official crime survey, the Office for National Statistics has said crime in England and Wales fell sharply last year after police confirmed 99% of the population have hardly anything left worth stealing.
Police figures recorded an 8% drop and a 5% reduction in crime due to government austerity policies which have left most homes not worth breaking into and most people so poor muggers can’t be bothered to rob them.
A spokesperson for the Home Office hailed the success of government policies which have left most people so hard up they would willingly join any burglars in a detailed search of their property for something valuable to take:
“We are very happy to see this big fall in crime which is a direct result of our policies of selling off anything of value in the country to private investors and stashing as much of the nation’s cash safely in off-shore tax havens where no plebs can get their hands on…
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